My non-homosexual “coming out” story
Where I live, in my country, one has to battle for every inch of personal freedom that they want. Hence we have mini battles to face and innumerable “coming out” stories whenever our individual choices and freedom is questioned by the rigid societal clutches.
The stigma, social alienation and backlash one faces here for admitting that one does not believe in the institution of marriage and hence wants to be single, is the same as a homosexual person might face when he decides to “come out”. With a highly patriarchal society where parents and families still dictate major life decisions for their children, even after they have grown up to be responsible adults, following one’s heart is kind of a suicidal thought. You will be mocked, ridiculed, called out names, looked down upon simply because you have refused to get married at the age that your parents think is right for you.
For readers from western nations or more socially and economically advanced countries, this might look bizarre that a grown up 30 year old woman cannot take decisions on her own. Very personal decisions like what career to choose, whom to marry, what to wear are mostly dictated by a patriarchal set of rules that families apply on you. In most cases these rules are applied by force if not by a generous dose of emotional blackmailing.
As a country we don’t value human lives much. No one cares if you have met with an accident or need a drop back home on a rainy night. We will drive past you. But we value families. We value family values. Age commands respect here. If an elderly person says something scientifically nonsensical, you ought to listen to him because he is elder to you. That’s how we operate.
Your father might not have been to high school himself but he has all the right to give career advice to his 25 year old son because he is the head of the family. Your mother might not understand anything about global economic policies of how gold rates and petrol prices are set, but she will tell you to stall your euro tour and instead buy some gold.
Coming to my story, things are not look any rosy here too. Patriarchy rules my life and family values and societal norms run my life’s circus. I have a mind and an opinion of my own but I have never been encouraged to use one. Hence when I fianlly left home and started staying alone I realized I have a completely different story to tell, which might not be very pleasant to the society’s ears.
I have been married for 7 years now and throughout all these years I have battled with a vital question of whether I want to be a mother or not. I was confused, had doubts about my own abilities, questions on my femininity etc. But finally, I have arrived at a decision that I don’t want to procreate, for whatever reasons. I DECIDED.
Now comes the real battle. How to make people understand. Or to put it even more simply, how to tell people that this is a conscious decision and not a medical condition. “I don’t want babies”, this sentence is Greek and Latin to most people. They just don’t understand. I have wrecked my head enough to drill this down to people, but hey, come on, how can you make someone understand something that they deliberately don’t want to understand?
So I decided to “come out” and tell everyone of my decision. Decisions like this are unheard of in my country. Forget elders, people, especially women counter my decision saying that this is foolish. Or “how is it even possible to think like that?”
This sentence really baffles me, when one can question someone else’s scope of thinking. This just goes on to prove how regulated and handcuffed are we when it comes to taking a decision that does not adhere to the set rules laid out by the societal circus. It’s almost the same as slamming homosexuality as an illness and not as a sexual orientation.
My decision made me less of a female. Most of the people whom I thought are close to me and would always look out for me, were suddenly ashamed of me. Some said that you need to see a doctor who can fix this for you. Some went a step ahead and said you are lazy and irresponsible. Some even questioned my relationship with my husband or his capabilities to procreate.
I have decided to make peace with it now. But wait….how can I make peace with a decision which has led a wildfire in the lives of everyone close to me. My parents are ashamed of me, most of my friends that I grew up with don’t think I have a bright future ahead and will regret soon. People that I meet everyday feel I am irresponsible and not a good example to the next generation.
I am tired now. Tired of explaining my stance, tired of feeling guilty for something that is not even my fault, tired of being answerable to people who don’t even matter to me.
Hence, I have decided that I will “come out of the closet” with my decision and stick to it. Acknowledgment and validation are not a part of the “coming out” deal, I guess.
